Nobody will ever hire anybody with a tattoo… ever… in any career… in any era. Bosses don’t like them and neither do customers. And don’t tell me that you can cover your inked bits with clothing. People will just know. They’ll smell it on you like that terrible cologne you wore to prom.
If you get a tattoo, you will be doomed to a life of living on welfare and/or committing crimes in order to survive. You may get lucky and learn that you have great burglary skills, which will preclude you from having to demean yourself too terribly. Or, you may wind up giving handies outside Micky D’s for a number three with a large Coke (no super-sizing) at around noon… every… single… day.
The true irony: the same tattoo that forced you to commit crimes in the first place will be your downfall when the police obtain the surveillance video. You thought you were so clever when you wore that mask, huh?
2. You are indecisive.
We all know about that moment of pseudo-homosexual awkwardness that you had during puberty in which you wondered if you may have liked members of the same sex. We also know about how you flip-flopped back and forth about your major (e.g.: Communications or business? Damn you, overstuffed course catalog!) during college. And, please, we all remember that Che Guevara T-shirt wearing phase; fast forward three years and you’re advocating the flat tax. Remember?
Don’t even get me started on that time when you wanted to either get a motorcycle or learn to play the drums. How on earth are those things even remotely related?
Because we know you so well, it’s clear that you don’t possess the necessary decision making skills to choose an image to have permanently inserted into your skin with a needle. I mean, you could get your dead relative’s initials in Japanese characters. But, then again, maybe you should get a little shark or dolphin on you ankle. It’s just such a huge choice. Don’t bother. Play it safely.
3. You will get old.
Yep, old and leathery and wrinkly as hell. And, when you’re a has-been, ancient fart, you’re gonna look pretty damn silly with a portion of your skin that’s a different color than the rest. Old people are supposed to look like old people. They are supposed to watch Bob Barker and his phallic microphone on tiny televisions with bizarre magnifying contraptions in front of them. They are supposed to eat soft foods, drive terribly in big-ass American cars and poop their pants at random intervals. Having an anchor on one’s arm or a panther on one’s back totally makes any of that stuff impossible.
Also, grandchildren are instinctually programmed to sever the Achilles tendons of their grandparents with steak knives at the mere sight of abnormal dermal discolorations. Seriously, it’s scientific fact.
Hide the liver spots, Gramps.
4. Your parents will never forgive you.
Though they may have conceived you, raised you and loved you through tough times - including the occasional pregnancy crisis - your parents will excommunicate you from their entire lives if they see that eagle, flag, or cartoon character on your outer bicep. That means no more Thanksgiving; no more Christmas; no more Yom Kippur; no more Juneteenth (represent!). That means no financial benefits - probably in the form of real estate - when they finally kick it.
You need the money; don’t act like you have no idea what I’m talking about.
I can’t believe you chose communications over business. Idiot.
5. You’re a giant pussy, and totally not cool.
No comments:
Post a Comment